God made the earth, the animals, the sea and sky. God made woman. And He made man to protect woman. However, He knew one day that woman will get the vote, be liberated, be able to join the military, and finally become equal to man. She will not need him as much to see to her protection. So He created the spider.
Now the spider is a lazy animal. Instead of searching for food, he spins a web and waits for food to come to him. He will sit on his web, or in a corner of a house, or inside of shoes waiting for something to munch on. God decided to make the Swiss spiders the laziest of them all. As the mountains around the land that would become Switzerland grew and grew, the spiders looked at each other and decided that it was too high and too cold to travel across those mountains to look for greener pastures or tastier bugs. So they stayed put. And grew. And grew.
(size of silver dollar while walking. Not very clear because there was no way I was getting closer).
Over the years the spiders have evolved into intelligent, albeit still lazy creatures. For example, they think it is funny to scare the crap out of women. Men secretly appreciate this because they can show their prowess by chasing the thing off or killing it, thus proving to the woman he can protect her. And get a kiss and a hug in the bargain. The spiders will hide in corners, under beds, inside cabinets, just to try and give the woman a heart attack. The spiders have a nightly meeting at the communal web to vote who got the most screams that day, and to give tribute to their lost brethren.
Sometimes there is an unfortunate woman who does not have a man around the house to kill the spider. The spiders know this and concentrate their full force on this place. If there is a man/men in the house, the spider will reconnoiter to find out when he goes out of town or when the children are in school. You see, they also get extra points for when they see the woman and start chasing her across the room. They do this even if the woman has a can of spray because as she is running away screaming, the spider is less likely to be hit.
The plethora of giant Swiss spiders got cocky. Until one day an American woman moves into the country. She had hidden Borax in her shipment. Now Swiss spiders do not know this because you cannot find that product here, but Borax is poisonous to animals, especially spiders. So this American woman,whose husband travels for his job regularly, and whose children are in school most of the day, is home cleaning and doing laundry. After screaming, being chased across the room, feeling as if the spiders were crawling all over her, she grabbed the box of Borax, poured a little in her hand, and tossed it on the spider. End of spider.
"Spiderwebs" by No Doubt, 1995.
https://youtu.be/6ZktNItwexo
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